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1. As promised several weeks ago, I have a review (just posted on Amazon) of my dear friend Kimberlee Conway Ireton's new book, Cracking Up: A Postpartum Faith Crisis:

This was a tough book for me to read. I lived with depression long before my two children were placed on the autism spectrum, so I still struggle to reconcile my Christian faith with the suffering of my family. So many times, I have longed for "God to show up with power and might, to raise His victorious right hand and for all to be well" (19). 

What I love most about "Cracking Up" is the eloquence and emotion with which Kimberlee describes the same darkness I have known in my own life, desperately praying and holding on to my faith with my fingernails, uncertain about my next breath because I am certain I am going to drown in my present circumstances. She has described the story of one year of her life so exquisitely that I can now point my family and friends to this book and saw, "This is how I live. This is how I feel. If you want to understand my brokenness, read this."

I cannot tell you how grateful I am to Kimberlee for describing a life in Christ while suffering anguish over children you dearly love. I am a longtime fan of her writing because it encourages me to remember that even when parenting seems an impossible task, it is still a worthwhile endeavor that God honors.

2. Let me share some of my favorite quotes:

But in this dark season, I do not want a God who humbly meets me in brokenness. I want a God who exercises enemy-annihilating power.... I want God to obliterate the cancer that is eating Michaela's bone marrow. I want God to eradicate my pregnancy-induced queasiness--both the physical and the emotional kind. I want God to make an agent love my novel as much as I do, to make a publisher love it, and readers, too. I want God to show up with power and might, to raise His victorious right hand and for all to be well. (19)

'[J]oy sounds to our postmodern ears like an emotion, something you feel, whereas celebration is something you do. And since you can't change how or what you feel--it's not like you can force yourself to feel joy--it might be better to focus on what you do, on how you're actually living, rather than what you're feeling or not feeling.' (60)

How do I hold those things in tension? The goodness of my life, the many gifts I have, and the fact that I still find my life so difficult? And the more sobering fact that it could easily be so much harder? And the horrible reality that even if my life is good, others' lives aren't good in the same way? (194)

3. To encourage my legion of blog readers (ha!) to read Kimberlee's new book, I will give away one copy of Cracking Up to a randomly selected person who leaves a comment at the end of this post between now and Saturday night, November 2. It will arrive on your doorstep from Amazon as soon as possible after that time.

4. I am also grateful to Kimberlee for explaining to me how a writer thinks and how much writers love their works. As you may well remember, my mother is also a writer who talks animatedly about her characters and titles and plot points and I now realize that the reason I can't seem to match her enthusiasm is because I'm not a writer. Kimberlee understands you perfectly, Mom.

Then there's my husband and his Volkswagens, but that's a different story for a different time.

5. My emotions have been rather roller coaster-y lately and I realized this week that because Alex's anxiety is (relatively) stable and has been for a few weeks, I can emotionally start processing all the grief and pain I stuffed away for  the previous 9 months plus. Alex was one minute away from exploding, all day, every day, for all of those months, which wears on a person. Last summer, I described it to Marshall that it was as if we were living in perpetual agony, not waiting for the other shoe to drop, but for it to explode. It would also explain why my blog updates were few and far between.

So I've been taking naps, walking in the autumn wind, and reading lots of books. Mary Balogh has three different series that I working my way through simultaneously; I read 4 of her novels yesterday. Some people drink wine to relax, or watch reality television. I read romance novels.

6. I've been staring at my DVR listings lately and finally gave up on a couple of series that have been sitting there for months or years and I've never watched one single episode. Good-bye Continuum, Defiance, Copper and Perception. If I really want to watch them later, I can always see them on DVD. Or not.

7. Next week is Miranda's birthday (Wednesday) and Halloween (Thursday). Alex doesn't understand why he has to wait another 3 weeks until the family party. I keep explaining we have to wait for my parents to return from points West. Miranda doesn't understand why she can't have every friend she's ever had at the party. Someone please tell me she will eventually realize the universe does not revolve around her.

Here's Cari, who's standing in for Jen this week.

Grump. Grump. Whine. Whine.

So I had a bad week. All I could do was whine or grump or complain about something. And I had planned to read my friend's new book, Cracking Up: A Postpartum Faith Crisis, and offer a copy for free for some fortunate commenter. Well, I haven't read the book yet. I read a few other worthy books, especially Difficult Men: Behind the Scenes of a Creative Revolution: From The Sopranos and The Wire to Mad Men and Breaking Bad, but not hers. I don't even watch any of those television shows, but I was interested in how they became popular and why. Anyway, it seems silly to beat the drum for a book I haven't read yet (this week, I promise; really, I mean it this time!), so I'll save that for next Friday.

And to try to kick myself out of my funk, I'm going to be thankful for 7 things:

1. Miranda stayed home from school on Wednesday with a scary cough so we went back to the doctor for another strep test, but it was just bad allergies. The trees just do not like my poor girl. 
2. My local library continues to buy books that I'm interested in reading, just because I request them via inter-library loan, like The Darwin Elevator. 
3. Alex refused to do his homework Monday and Tuesday nights and after I realized this was his way of communicating that the work was too easy and he'd already done these same worksheets too many times previously, I asked his teacher to find something better which she did and so homework Wednesday and Thursday nights was a breeze. 
4. The lady who cleans my house came Thursday, so for a few brief and wonderful moments, the whole house was clean and the paper piles were reduced to a memory of their previous glory. 
5. My mother-in-law is coming for supper tomorrow so she can then stay with Alex while I take Miranda to dance class because Marshall is on late schedule at work this week. Taking Alex with us to dance would be . . . difficult. 
6. Pacific Rim was released on BluRay this week and Costco had the best price, as I expected, so I bought it yesterday and we watched it last night. Still a cool movie, for those who want to watch giant robots fight giant monsters from outer space. I do; I'm sure I'll watch it again, but probably not every day.
7. The Boston Red Sox and the St. Louis Cardinals are going to play in the World Series, starting on Wednesday. I'm not a huge fan of either team, but this was a more positive outcome than other options. But do we really have to call it the World Series? All the baseball teams, except for the Toronto Blue Jays, are from the United States. I mean, seriously. 
8. Bonus: I think I'm going to go see a silly movie this week. Escape Plan should fit the bill. 

Here's Jen.

Wait, I Have a Blog? I Totally Didn't Know That!

1. So, where have I been the last few weeks? Well, we had that trip to Atlanta on our double wedding weekend, which was fun, which took a week to prepare for and another week to catch up from, and then I got some viral something and when I finally saw my doctor a few days ago, after 11 days sick, he said I was doing the right thing (lots of naps and drinking water). And then, last weekend, both children got sick and when I dragged them to the pediatrician for throat cultures, it was strep times two. And that pretty much sums it up.

2. The new television season has started and we like a few new shows:

• The Crazy Ones - I've loved Sarah Michelle Gellar forever but Robin Williams is pure genius. And I am not a sitcom watcher, until this summer, when I started watching TBBT. 
• Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. - The first two episodes were fun, although the characters, aside from Coulson, are a bit bland. Still, a cameo from Fury? Awesome.
• Sleepy Hollow - Good actors. Hopefully, the writing will improve. It seems like Grimm-light.
• I've picked up The Blacklist and The Tomorrow People but haven't watched them yet. 
• Still looking forward to Almost Human, which premieres next month.

3. Some of my film friends may be disappointed, but The Grandmaster was my first Kar Wai Wong movie. Marshall and I saw it in Atlanta because we had the time then to see it. It was either that or Riddick and we can see Vin on DVD.

I now understand why people rave about Wong's movies. This is a breathtakingly beautiful movie. There is a quiet scene near the end at a tea house between Ziyi Zang and Tony Leung Chiu Wai that had me in tears. So, now, apparently, I need to see Days of Being Wild, In the Mood For Love, and 2046.

I keep asking my husband, with all his years and training in acting, how do people make their faces show emotion so carefully? I know I can't do this. David Tennant is the master of the elastic face, as is Timothy Olyphant. Hero is an excellent film for many reasons, but the high quality of acting seems to set it above and beyond reproach. Ziyi Zang and Tony Leung Chiu Wai are in it, along with Jet Li, Maggie Cheung and Donnie Yen. And Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon depends almost as much on the faces of Yun-Fat Chow and Michelle Yeoh as their fighting skill. Andy Lau should also be on this list. Their faces and expressions make me believe.

4. And now for something completely different. Alex has been on Laurie Berkner music kick for several weeks now, singing at the top of his voice (remarkably in tune), so we've been listening to it in the car when we go anywhere. And the song stuck in my head, for all these weeks is this:

Maybe because we've been sick for two weeks and I haven't been able to bake any cookies? I dunno. My favorite song is still "I Know a Chicken" but I couldn't find a good video link for it. Just go out and buy the We Are The Laurie Berkner Band DVD. You'll be glad you did.

5. I have read a few books lately, like the latest Eileen Wilks, Ritual Magic, and Mary Balogh's The Proposal. What I need to sit down and read is my friend Kimberlee Conway Ireton's new book, Cracking Up: A Postpartum Faith Crisis. My life is rather intense, so I tend to read fluff. But if you come back here to my blog next week, you might win a free copy.

6. Last weekend, Marshall took his dad to see Gravity for a belated birthday present. I know everybody is raving about this film, but I'm afraid of getting motion sick. My first IMAX experience, in HS, made me very ill and I still have difficulties on planes, trains, automobiles, boats, escalators, elevators, etc. Besides, my permanent babysitters are leaving for Hawaii tomorrow.

7. Must read for a good laugh: Simcha Fisher's Ten Reasons You Should Get a Dog, Like, NOW. I was howling.

And here's Jen.

Too Busy To Blog

Marshall and I are attending the wedding of one of his co-worker's tonight in Phoenixville, PA, and then very early tomorrow morning we are flying to Atlanta, GA, to attend the wedding, tomorrow night, of very dear friends. So I'm running around still trying to get everything sorted out. But I had to share a few things with you, first:

And this:

Tom Hiddleston is just awesome.

Entropy

1. A definition from the Free Online Dictionary, for those of us who need reminding:

en·tro·py  

n. pl. en·tro·pies

1. Symbol S For a closed thermodynamic system, a quantitative measure of the amount of thermal energy not available to do work.

2. A measure of the disorder or randomness in a closed system.

3. A measure of the loss of information in a transmitted message.

4. The tendency for all matter and energy in the universe to evolve toward a state of inert uniformity.

5. Inevitable and steady deterioration of a system or society.

2. I have been meditating on entropy in the past few weeks as I've been walking around my neighborhood, getting my exercise and trying to keep my back from aching. I notice who has managed to keep their lawn mowed and who is running behind; sometimes I even pray for mercy for the unfortunate latter group, because I have often been one of their company. I notice how quickly the roads deteriorate and how flimsy are the creations of humans in comparison to the riot of green growing around them. For example, this weekend we are going to power wash our driveway and reseal it. It was so beautiful and clean, black and happy asphalt, when the wonderful pavers we hired created it several years ago. (2? 3? I can't remember.) Now the grass and weeds are crawling and thrusting their way in at every edge, last winter's leaves are still piled in the corner by the trash cans and there are stains all over from the necessary auto maintenance my husband does.

My flower beds have grass growing in them again, trying to choke the roots of the plants I want to preserve. My cannas, who love the heat of the late summer, are o'er shadowing everything else in the front yard, and the rose bushes refuse to grow outwards and keep banging into the soffit. My butterfly bushes, that I trimmed so carefully in early summer, are o'er hanging the back patio and blocking the way into the garage or through the gate.

3. And speaking (writing) of entropy, yesterday was cleaning day. I spend hours picking up piles, sorting toys and clothes and generally trying to get everything put away ahead of the lady who cleans my house once a month so that she can actually find the surfaces she's supposed to clean. So, for a few glorious minutes, the house was clean. But the children got home from school before she was finished (which Miranda likes because she wants to "help;" she rarely helps me clean, but our cleaning lady is somehow different) and this morning, before she left for school, Miranda had moved all of her "babies" (every stuffed animal she owns) into the living room. (She was miffed with me when I made her put them in the baskets on the shelf yesterday morning so we could clean her room.) It takes so much effort to put the house back in order and the moment you turn your back, it drifts back to chaos.

4. A dear friend of mine who has a child with a sensory disorder shared a great post this week about selective eaters. As many of you know Alex, you know he only eats about 12 things. I stopped worrying about it last year because his anxiety about everything was overwhelming all of his other issues, but it still bugs my husband. But then, my husband eats almost everything and I am a picky eater. I eat more than I used to, like Brussels sprouts and asparagus, but I still eat the same thing for breakfast, every morning of every day. And that's the way I want it.

5. Youth Group starts up again on Sunday night and I will be relieved to be back on a normal schedule. I miss the students when I don't see them regularly, which is most of the summer. I need this opportunity of service to force me out of myself and worrying about my own problems. It is not all about me.

6. In May of 2012, my cousin Sarah (yes, I have a cousin Sarah; my family has a fondness for certain names, so we have 2 Sarah's, 2 Tim's and 2 Brandon's) asked me to try to explain to her what "Passing for Normal" meant. I have been thinking about it, off and on, since our conversation, especially since Miranda has just been "mainstreamed" in a regular first grade classroom.

Ever since Alex was diagnosed with ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder) in the spring of 2006, I have come to label many of his behaviors as "autistic," like stimming, echolalia, or his inability to read social cues or conduct a conversation. When I see another child with behaviors like this, my "radar" goes off, meaning that I recognize another child who is probably on the spectrum.

Passing for Normal means not sticking out in a crowd, not displaying behaviors like this when in public, but instead responding to the situation in the appropriate manner which we have worked so long to teach them. Alex's first therapist told me that a new instruction that might take half a dozen reminders in a neurotypical child could take 100 reminders for him. Miranda has progressed far enough that we and the school felt she would benefit from being in a "regular" first grade class (neurotypical peers) after 4 years in the district in self-contained (all classified children) and inclusion (a mix of classified and neurotypical children) classes. Alex was unable to maintain a partial mainstream schedule last year (even with an aide) so we've put him back in a self-contained class this year in hopes of stabilizing him so that we can pursue some mainstreaming again next year.

Perhaps it comes down to: can they function in public without getting stared at or made fun of? Do they answer the question asked of them, instead of ignoring it and announcing their own topic of conversation, like the story of Finding Nemo? Can they say, "No, thank you," when offered food they don't like instead of falling apart? Can they stay with me in the store, being polite to others and not trying to hug everyone they see? Can they follow directions in a group setting?

I hope this helps, cousin.

7. Miranda started a new dance class season on Monday. Artists in Motion in Cherry Hill was where she took a basic class last year with other 5 year old's called "Acro Jazz" that was dancing and gymnastics as well as a one that taught some social interaction skills. This year, we've moved up to a larger class with 6-8 year old's called "Ballet/Hip Hop" and instead of 6-7 other students, there are about 15 of them. Her first class was awesome and I thought, again, this is the best money we spend all year. She's still, at almost 7, the tallest one in the class, but she learned quickly and looks awesome doing an arabesque.

And here's Jen.

I Wasn't Planning to Blog Today But....

1. Today is the first day of school and this has been running in my head for days:

2. Being that today is the first day of school, I guessed a time way earlier than necessary to start getting ready for the day since the bus schedules are estimates and neither child likes to be rushed. So my alarm went off at 5:49 am. It was still dark outside.

I woke Alex about 6:15 for hot pancakes and he was happy to be the only one awake with me. Of course, since he cannot be quiet, Miranda stumbled out about 20 minutes later and I made her pancakes then.

Alex's bus came at 7:25 (moving from a 9 am start last year to a 8 am start this year), as expected, and he has a bus driver we've had previously (though I can't ever remember her name; bad mommy brain). He was ready by 7 and cheerful. Of course, since he has no AD/HD meds at the moment, he's going to have a bouncy day. But that's better than a screamy day.

At 5 of 8, I walked Miranda down to the end of the block with a couple of the neighbor kids, only to have, 15 minutes later, her short bus stop for her at the corner and tell me they'll be picking her up in the driveway, same as every other previous year. Mt. Laurel SD Transportation's mailings leave a little to be desired in the way of details. I thought since she's now "mainstreamed," she'll ride the big bus with all the other kids. But, apparently, since she still has an IEP, she's still riding the short bus. It's probably better for me, but I have this horrible feeling that she's going to come home absolutely crushed because she didn't get to ride the big bus. At least dance class starts tonight.

3. If you've never watched a How It Should Have Ended trailer, you are missing out. Here's the one for Pacific Rim:

4. I wasn't planning to blog this morning because after the kids went to school, I was going to nap. But the refrigerator has been running loudly so Marshall suggested I defrost it and see if that helps. So I did that first thing. Then I got started working some YG correspondence. Then I thought I should just blog a little. And I wrote a grocery list for Shop Rite. But I'm still planning to nap.

5. The US Open is nearly finished. It was a very exciting Women's final yesterday between Serena and Vika. Tonight it's Rafa vs. Novak and we are totally rooting for the Serbian. I'm sad that this year's tennis is coming to a close, but my children won't be disappointed to have more access to the television again. But there's still baseball. The Phillies actually beat the Braves this weekend. Talk about your miracles.

6. I know there hasn't been regularly blogging here lately. I've either been too tired or there hasn't seemed anything to share but children yelling and fighting and stress. If I don't have good news to share, it's hard to write.

7. Jen had her website redesigned and it sure is pretty.

And here's her quick takes.

7 Things To Do When Your Kids Are Sick

1. Catch up on laundry, and not just the clothes that Alex threw up on earlier this morning. Wash the sheets on all the beds, but only strip them one at a time. If, at the end of the day you have 3 bare mattresses and 3 piles of clean sheets, you are going to be sorry.

2. Read a few books and not just the book that currently overdue at the library (Midnight in Mexico). After seeing the new Percy Jackson movie last Tuesday, which was decent, I read The Lightning Thief and Sea of Monsters on Tuesday, The Titan's Curse and half of Battle of the Labyrinth on Wednesday, the rest of Labyrinth and the first half of The Last Olympian on Thursday and finished up Friday afternoon. Then I spent the rest of the weekend taking care of sickies and watching tennis. Only one more week until the US Open!

3. Binge on some British television. I've decided to try Luther again because, well, Idris Elba is brilliant. And all my husband wanted to watch all weekend was Doctor Who (since he was also ill with whatever bug Alex is sharing). So we watched the Pertwee series Terror of the Autons and The Daemons.

4 Cross stitch. You know, that project I was so excited about a few weeks ago. Yeah, that one. Get back to it, slacker!

5. Continue to clear off the DVR. Make a decision about Continuum and Defiance. Either watch 'em or dump 'em.

6. Get Alex to stop watching the first half of The Incredibles every day. I realized this weekend that if Mr. Incredible had just let Bomb Voyage kill Buddy in the opening scene, most of his problems would have disappeared. Of course, he'd be immoral and guilty of some version of murder, but still, no Syndrome.

7. Mow the back yard, if the grass will dry before the sun goes down. It's the only way I'm going to find all the piles left by the visiting dog.

And here's Jen. Although her post from this morning is funnier.